Tuesday, June 05, 2007

New Addition to My "Movies I Absolutely Detest" List: Pan's Labyrinth

begin rant/

As a matter of fact, this is the new number one, replacing Eraserhead, which I saw in a theatre in 1977 on its first run. That's right, Pan's Labyrinth has replaced the movie I most detested for thirty years!

This piece of garbage won three Academy Awards?!

First of all, it would probably have helped if I had known it was in Spanish with English subtitles. I kept trying to get the English track on the settings for the first few minutes until I saw that the dialog did indeed match the picture. It might also have helped if it had been promoted as a war movie with a little fantasy thrown in... for no apparent reason... rather than as a fantasy movie with a little war thrown in... again, for no apparent reason. And really, is there a more boring war in history than the Spanish Civil War? That's a rhetorical question: Generalissimo Fransisco Franco is STILL dead!!!

But the aforementioned knowledge could not possibly have saved me the constant nodding off to the glacial rhythm of this idiotic... "movie." In less than fifteen minutes I had exited full-screen mode and was surfing the internet with the movie minimized on the right hand side. At exactly 1:15 into the thing - where the talentless, leaden "actor" who played the captain is about to torture the poor stuttering imbecile who won't smoke - I put it out of my misery and ejected it. No mas! The last performance I abandoned before the end was an orchestral performance of Ignor Satanski's The Smell of Shit The Right of Spring... over twenty years ago!!! I have to reeeeeealy hate a DVD I paid a Jackson for not to even finish watching it. In fact, that has never happened before. I even sat through all of Eraserhead.

I also find those lispy Castilian accents extremely annoying. They're cute in little kids, I guess, but in adults they just sound so... well... gay. Do you know the story? The King had a lisp so everybody was commanded to speak that way?

If you want a free widescreen DVD of this worthless flic - brand new and watched only one-half of a time - send me your snail mail addy. I will pay the postage just to get this maliciously bad craptacular out of my house!


Now, on to Apocalypto. I understand that is subtitled too.

UPDATE: Now Apocalypto, that is a cinematic masterpiece. Exotic in the extreme with a glorious introduction that leads to an extreme crisis, and then an inexorable buildup to a never-ending chase through the jungle. Not all of the bad guys die, but the ones who really need to die get theirs. Copious subtext messages.

The more I think about Pan's labyrinth though, the worse it gets. I mean, what is a labyrinth? It's supposed to be a maze, isn't it? Well, once you're in a maze, you can't get out until you correctly figure out how to reach the exit, right? So, what's with all of these Deus ex Chalkina escapes back to reality? Imagine if Dorothy had been able to go back to Kansas for a time out every time the flying monkeys scared her, or if Frodo had been able to have time enough for an ale in the Shire when it got a little too hot on Mount Doom. Better yet, let's just beam the crew of the Nostromo home whenever the xenomorph starts opening his mouth and slobbering all over them.

I can't believe anybody who says they like this movie isn't a liar. It's militantly stupid.

/end rant

That would be much better than the film I was just watching.


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